Christmas for 2

It’s hard to get into the holiday spirit as a single mom. But, tell that to my five year old! He has enough holiday cheer for both of us. So…it’s all about grinning and faking it. I did my best.

10847738_10204702763662499_7843714354677418224_o

Small tree for a small apartment

We needed a  spot to hang our stockings.

We needed a spot to hang our stockings, so I made a fireplace out of cardboard boxes. Don’t ask me where I found the motivation to do this because I am so not crafty. Every once in a while the mood strikes me though.

10548214_10204795035769244_3019203743510349315_o

Then we got sick. And yes, we have an elf. Don’t judge me. I hate the fucker, but Thomas is a part of our family now.

And, Ms. Claus struck again. I'm telling you, Santa is overrated. I'm sure she does all the work anyway.

And, Ms. Claus struck again. I’m telling you, Santa is overrated. I’m sure she does all the work anyway.

Advertisements

No More Excuses

Most people know, I have a pretty busy (sometimes crazy) life. I’m a full-time single parent. I have a full-time job and do freelance work on the side. I don’t get days off. I don’t even get hours off. I’m exhausted. Money is always tight and I have to carefully watch every expense. I also have health issues. Asthma, high cholesterol, a slipped disc in my back, sciatica, shin splints and planter faciitis to name a few.

And for years, I used all of the above, and then some, as an excuse for gaining weight and not taking care of my body.

  • I don’t have time to workout
  • Eating healthy is too expensive.
  • I don’t have time to cook healthy meals.
  • Gyms are too expensive.

But guess what? That’s all they were. Excuses. Where did all those excuses get me? Overweight, unhealthy, unhappy and lacking self-confidence.

NO MORE EXCUSES

Finding SoldierFit changed my life. I gained confidence, strength and knowledge when I walked in those doors. I finally all my excuses for not working out. I MADE time. I chose to spend money on a gym membership rather than buy myself new clothes or take a vacation. I stopped making excuses.

2 months ago I found Beachbody and once again, it has been a life changing experience. In addition to the 21 Day Fix meal plan, I can now workout at home several days/week. When I don’t have time to get to the gym, I don’t need to use that as yet another excuse to skip my workout.

When I began following the 21 day fix meal plan, guess what I found? Eating healthy is NOT too expensive! I am spending less on food now than I was before. Are my grocery bills a little higher? Yes. I’m buying more fresh and organic foods and they are more expensive. But I’m NOT eating out. I’m not ordering pizza three times in one week. Is Shakeology expensive? Well…I spend less $ per day on my healthy, coffee shake than I used to on my McDonalds breakfast and coffee.

I’m finishing up round 2 of the 21 day fix next week. In 2 months I’m down 6lbs. It’s not a lot but I’m also down an entire pants size! That means more to me than any number on the scale. The best part is, I feel amazing! I have more energy than I’ve had in YEARS! I can see muscle definition in my arms and legs that I don’t think I’ve ever seen before. After many years I’ve realized, there is no easy way out or magic pill. Excuses don’t work. Hard work and dedication do.

Next weekend I will finish off the 21 day fix with a 3 Day Refresh, then jump into my next challenge, PiYo. Along with fellow independent Team Beachbody coaches, I have 2 challenge groups beginning on July 7 to help motivate and encourage everyone working these 2 programs. There is still space available in both groups – if you are ready to make a change in your life and commit to #NoMoreExcuses comment here or send me an email to get started!

I feel like an imposter

Do you ever look at your life and think, how in the hell did I GET here??? How can this be my life? Seriously, I used to be cool. I was adventurous, I traveled and went to concerts and could dance in 4 inch heels all night long. Now I am a mom. But…it just doesn’t seem real sometimes. Like, this is my life? For real? It can’t be. I don’t think I belong here.

    im·pos·tor or im·pos·ter
    n. 
    One who engages in deception under an assumed name or identity.

Yup, that’s me! Imposter mom. Imposter grownup.

I smile around them and act normal but inside I know…I don’t belong here!

I’ve never felt comfortable in groups of other parents. Preschool parties, sports teams, birthday parties, any group activity full of 4 year olds really. I feel like all the other parents are looking at me thinking, “IMPOSTER!”

Why don’t I belong?  Maybe it’s because I never really pictured myself having kids. I became a mom by accident – a great, happy accident but an accident no less. Even though I love being a mom, sometimes I still can’t quite believe I am one!

The other parents all look and act waaayy more grownup than I feel. Even though they are about my age, they seem so mature. To start with, they are married. That just seems like a grownup thing to do that I’ve never been able to pull off. And they own homes and drive minivans and all kinds of other grownup stuff I just don’t do.

This week Boo Boo starts soccer and I just know some other mom there is going to see me and think, “she is soooo not a soccer mom. Imposter!”  And kindergarten. OMG. Soon I’m going to have to join the PTA and volunteer in the classroom. And go to back to school nights. And everyone is going to know. I DO NOT BELONG HERE.

 

Ramblings

I remember when I wanted this blog to be about my dating life and adventures. Seriously. Yeah, I’m over that now.

I mean, really. Who the fuck has time to think about dating when you are just trying your best to hold your shit together and take care of your kid, day in and day out? I am so burnt out and exhausted. I cannot remember the last time I was alone. Just, completely alone. I don’t want to date. I want to be ALONE. I’m so tired of being stressed out and tired of being tired.

**This is where I insert the required disclaimer that I love my son and I would never change anything about our lives, I’m just having a rough time and need to vent. Of course I freaking love my son. I’m still human. Sometimes I DON’T love my life. I would change a LOT about our lives. I wouldn’t change him, because he really is the only thing that gets me through the day sometimes. And I’m so proud of him and the person he is becoming. But, sometimes looking at him makes me feel like the biggest failure of all.

God, I’m 33 years old, I’m supposed to have my shit together by now. I’m not supposed to be living paycheck to paycheck. I’m not supposed to overdraw my bank account because I bought him a damn scooter for Easter. I’m supposed to have finished college by now. I’m supposed to be working UP in my career. I’m supposed to be able to afford for us to live somewhere nicer than a freaking basement infested with disgusting fucking stink bugs. I’m supposed to be healthy and active and not weigh 50 lbs more than I did 5 years ago. I’m supposed to have a social life and friends and WANT to go on dates. Fuck, I’m supposed to be married already. My son is supposed to have a fucking FATHER.

I can’t put any real effort into dating or meeting someone because it’s just too much damn work. I can’t be myself. I can’t say to a potential date, “yeah, I really don’t have my shit together. I’m broke, I’m stressed out, and I’m tired. I don’t want to go out for a drink and have witty conversation. I want to go home and go to sleep right now. I’m only here because I’m SUPPOSED to want to date. And I keep hoping if I do it enough, I’ll meet someone who I actually DO want to date.”

The truth? The truth is, I want to meet someone who I don’t have to pretend with. Someone who just sees the life I’m living, sees me struggling, and thinks, she’s awesome. I want to marry her, be a father to her kid and have a baby. And I want him to have enough money to support our new family. There, I said it. Yes, it’s true. That’s what I want. I don’t want a sugar daddy. I want to work and finish school and  have a career. I just want a partner in it. And he has to be hot. And smart. Why is all that so much to fucking ask for?

I know I just went in a rambling circle from wanting to be alone to wanting to be married with a baby. I don’t know what I want. 

Just Friends…with Benefits?

FWB. Have you ever had one?

During a discussion with some other single moms today we were discussing the ins and outs of dating as a single mom with your post-baby body. I’m sure any woman who has ever been pregnant can relate to the insecurities you feel about your body post-baby. But, imagine wading into the dating world with those insecurities. Welcome to my life! So, anyway, one participant in this conversation said, “sometimes you need someone else to see you as sexy before you can see yourself that way.” So that led me to wonder, is a FWB the answer?

If you aren’t familiar with the term, FWB stands for Friends with Benefits. It basically means you and a friend occasionally get together and have sex, no strings attached. It’s not a relationship because you are both free to see other people and there is no expectation of things like cuddling, going on dates, or being emotionally “there” for each other. It’s not really a fling because you are friends with a mutual respect for one another. And it’s not a one night stand because it’s ongoing.  Could this be the solution to a single mom’s body issues? Seems simple enough, right? You both get the sexual relationship you might be craving and the confidence you need to get out there start dating and looking for “the one.” But is it really that simple?

fwb_260797-500x

They say some of the best relationships start out as friends. So, what happens if you fall for your fwb? And especially if he (or she) doesn’t feel the same way? Is it inevitable that someone is going to get hurt? What if one of you starts dating someone seriously. Do you just end the benefits but stay friends? End the friendship completely? And what are the rules about having an FWB? Do you have a friendship outside of the sexual one? Do you hang out the way friends do? If so, where is the line between FWB and boyfriend? To me, it seems like a pretty fine line that could be easy confuse.

In the movie, Friends with Benefits, staring Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake, the line definitely gets crossed. Confusion and heartbreak ensues. But of course, it’s a movie and in the end they realize they are perfect for one another. And of course, live happily ever after. But does that actually happen in real life?

What is your experience with having a FWB? Did it work? Did someone get hurt? Is it the perfect solution for a busy single mom who is having trouble putting herself out there?

The History of Love

My History of Love! I was thinking back last night on all the dating I have done over the years. It goes a long way back. I thought  maybe I’d make a list. I’m going to skip high school. I was really shy, didn’t really date and didn’t have my first real romance until college. After that I was a serial monogamist for most of my early 20’s.

B: I was 18, he was my first real boyfriend. I met him at Woodstock in 1999. Turns out we were living in the same small town in MD and traveled to Rome, NY to meet while smoking a joint. Turns out, I was smoking a joint because it was Woodstock. He was smoking a joint because that’s what he did. All the time. 9 months later, he broke my heart.

M: Met at age 20 through mutual friends. Dated then lived together for 2 years. I broke his heart and still feel guilty about it. But I wasn’t in love with him. And he married the next girl he dated so obviously it was the right decision for both of us!

G: My first real love. I thought I would spend the rest of my life with this one…unfortunately, his alcohol and drug abuse ruined everything. After 3 years I finally had enough of the lies and ended it for good.

C: The one that got away. What started as a summer fling turned into a real friendship. Timing and circumstances have kept this relationship from ever realizing it’s full potential. We’ve lost touch again and I miss him a lot. We used to say that we knew we would end up together eventually and get married. I wonder if he still thinks about me.

B: Convinced me to move across the world with him, said he wanted to marry me, then dumped me. But, that’s okay. Because thanks to him I had the chance to live in Europe for 2.5 years. I have visited amazing places and met people who have changed my life in every way possible, all thanks to B. Wherever you are B, even though I still think you are an asshole, I am grateful for how you changed my life.

Singleton!!!! This was my year of being single. I dated, had a few flings, got my heart broken once…then I got pregnant. Ooops.

C2: The baby daddy. I met C2 at work. We began dating and it seemed to be going well at first. But, it slowly became clear that we were not compatible in the long term. He had a thing for drugs, weekend flings and secret text messages to other women. I think he was the type who wanted his cake and to eat it to…he wanted a nice girl to come home to but he wasn’t ready to give up the casual sex and partying that he so enjoyed. Unfortunately you just can’t have it both ways. At least not with me you can’t. So, we ended things after a few months in a mutually agreed upon fight with some not so nice words said. That was on Monday. Wednesday I realized I might be pregnant. And that story is for another post on another day.

So, that’s the history of my love life. Now I’m a single mom to a 4 year old, attempting to figure out how to date again in this new reality of mine.

p.s. did you know there is a book called the “The History of Love“? It’s a great book. You should check it out.