Christmas for 2

It’s hard to get into the holiday spirit as a single mom. But, tell that to my five year old! He has enough holiday cheer for both of us. So…it’s all about grinning and faking it. I did my best.

Small tree for a small apartment

We needed a spot to hang our stockings, so I made a fireplace out of cardboard boxes. Don’t ask me where I found the motivation to do this because I am so not crafty. Every once in a while the mood strikes me though.

Then we got sick. And yes, we have an elf. Don’t judge me. I hate the fucker, but Thomas is a part of our family now.

And, Ms. Claus struck again. I’m telling you, Santa is overrated. I’m sure she does all the work anyway.

No More Excuses

Most people know, I have a pretty busy (sometimes crazy) life. I’m a full-time single parent. I have a full-time job and do freelance work on the side. I don’t get days off. I don’t even get hours off. I’m exhausted. Money is always tight and I have to carefully watch every expense. I also have health issues. Asthma, high cholesterol, a slipped disc in my back, sciatica, shin splints and planter faciitis to name a few.

And for years, I used all of the above, and then some, as an excuse for gaining weight and not taking care of my body.

• I don’t have time to workout
• Eating healthy is too expensive.
• I don’t have time to cook healthy meals.
• Gyms are too expensive.

But guess what? That’s all they were. Excuses. Where did all those excuses get me? Overweight, unhealthy, unhappy and lacking self-confidence.

NO MORE EXCUSES

Finding SoldierFit changed my life. I gained confidence, strength and knowledge when I walked in those doors. I finally all my excuses for not working out. I MADE time. I chose to spend money on a gym membership rather than buy myself new clothes or take a vacation. I stopped making excuses.

2 months ago I found Beachbody and once again, it has been a life changing experience. In addition to the 21 Day Fix meal plan, I can now workout at home several days/week. When I don’t have time to get to the gym, I don’t need to use that as yet another excuse to skip my workout.

When I began following the 21 day fix meal plan, guess what I found? Eating healthy is NOT too expensive! I am spending less on food now than I was before. Are my grocery bills a little higher? Yes. I’m buying more fresh and organic foods and they are more expensive. But I’m NOT eating out. I’m not ordering pizza three times in one week. Is Shakeology expensive? Well…I spend less $ per day on my healthy, coffee shake than I used to on my McDonalds breakfast and coffee.

I’m finishing up round 2 of the 21 day fix next week. In 2 months I’m down 6lbs. It’s not a lot but I’m also down an entire pants size! That means more to me than any number on the scale. The best part is, I feel amazing! I have more energy than I’ve had in YEARS! I can see muscle definition in my arms and legs that I don’t think I’ve ever seen before. After many years I’ve realized, there is no easy way out or magic pill. Excuses don’t work. Hard work and dedication do.

Next weekend I will finish off the 21 day fix with a 3 Day Refresh, then jump into my next challenge, PiYo. Along with fellow independent Team Beachbody coaches, I have 2 challenge groups beginning on July 7 to help motivate and encourage everyone working these 2 programs. There is still space available in both groups – if you are ready to make a change in your life and commit to #NoMoreExcuses comment here or send me an email to get started!

I feel like an imposter

Do you ever look at your life and think, how in the hell did I GET here??? How can this be my life? Seriously, I used to be cool. I was adventurous, I traveled and went to concerts and could dance in 4 inch heels all night long. Now I am a mom. But…it just doesn’t seem real sometimes. Like, this is my life? For real? It can’t be. I don’t think I belong here.

im·pos·tor or im·pos·ter
n. 
One who engages in deception under an assumed name or identity.

Yup, that’s me! Imposter mom. Imposter grownup.

I smile around them and act normal but inside I know…I don’t belong here!

I’ve never felt comfortable in groups of other parents. Preschool parties, sports teams, birthday parties, any group activity full of 4 year olds really. I feel like all the other parents are looking at me thinking, “IMPOSTER!”

Why don’t I belong?  Maybe it’s because I never really pictured myself having kids. I became a mom by accident – a great, happy accident but an accident no less. Even though I love being a mom, sometimes I still can’t quite believe I am one!

The other parents all look and act waaayy more grownup than I feel. Even though they are about my age, they seem so mature. To start with, they are married. That just seems like a grownup thing to do that I’ve never been able to pull off. And they own homes and drive minivans and all kinds of other grownup stuff I just don’t do.

This week Boo Boo starts soccer and I just know some other mom there is going to see me and think, “she is soooo not a soccer mom. Imposter!”  And kindergarten. OMG. Soon I’m going to have to join the PTA and volunteer in the classroom. And go to back to school nights. And everyone is going to know. I DO NOT BELONG HERE.

 

Ramblings

I remember when I wanted this blog to be about my dating life and adventures. Seriously. Yeah, I’m over that now.

I mean, really. Who the fuck has time to think about dating when you are just trying your best to hold your shit together and take care of your kid, day in and day out? I am so burnt out and exhausted. I cannot remember the last time I was alone. Just, completely alone. I don’t want to date. I want to be ALONE. I’m so tired of being stressed out and tired of being tired.

**This is where I insert the required disclaimer that I love my son and I would never change anything about our lives, I’m just having a rough time and need to vent. Of course I freaking love my son. I’m still human. Sometimes I DON’T love my life. I would change a LOT about our lives. I wouldn’t change him, because he really is the only thing that gets me through the day sometimes. And I’m so proud of him and the person he is becoming. But, sometimes looking at him makes me feel like the biggest failure of all.

God, I’m 33 years old, I’m supposed to have my shit together by now. I’m not supposed to be living paycheck to paycheck. I’m not supposed to overdraw my bank account because I bought him a damn scooter for Easter. I’m supposed to have finished college by now. I’m supposed to be working UP in my career. I’m supposed to be able to afford for us to live somewhere nicer than a freaking basement infested with disgusting fucking stink bugs. I’m supposed to be healthy and active and not weigh 50 lbs more than I did 5 years ago. I’m supposed to have a social life and friends and WANT to go on dates. Fuck, I’m supposed to be married already. My son is supposed to have a fucking FATHER.

I can’t put any real effort into dating or meeting someone because it’s just too much damn work. I can’t be myself. I can’t say to a potential date, “yeah, I really don’t have my shit together. I’m broke, I’m stressed out, and I’m tired. I don’t want to go out for a drink and have witty conversation. I want to go home and go to sleep right now. I’m only here because I’m SUPPOSED to want to date. And I keep hoping if I do it enough, I’ll meet someone who I actually DO want to date.”

The truth? The truth is, I want to meet someone who I don’t have to pretend with. Someone who just sees the life I’m living, sees me struggling, and thinks, she’s awesome. I want to marry her, be a father to her kid and have a baby. And I want him to have enough money to support our new family. There, I said it. Yes, it’s true. That’s what I want. I don’t want a sugar daddy. I want to work and finish school and  have a career. I just want a partner in it. And he has to be hot. And smart. Why is all that so much to fucking ask for?

I know I just went in a rambling circle from wanting to be alone to wanting to be married with a baby. I don’t know what I want. 

Just Friends…with Benefits?

FWB. Have you ever had one?

During a discussion with some other single moms today we were discussing the ins and outs of dating as a single mom with your post-baby body. I’m sure any woman who has ever been pregnant can relate to the insecurities you feel about your body post-baby. But, imagine wading into the dating world with those insecurities. Welcome to my life! So, anyway, one participant in this conversation said, “sometimes you need someone else to see you as sexy before you can see yourself that way.” So that led me to wonder, is a FWB the answer?

If you aren’t familiar with the term, FWB stands for Friends with Benefits. It basically means you and a friend occasionally get together and have sex, no strings attached. It’s not a relationship because you are both free to see other people and there is no expectation of things like cuddling, going on dates, or being emotionally “there” for each other. It’s not really a fling because you are friends with a mutual respect for one another. And it’s not a one night stand because it’s ongoing.  Could this be the solution to a single mom’s body issues? Seems simple enough, right? You both get the sexual relationship you might be craving and the confidence you need to get out there start dating and looking for “the one.” But is it really that simple?

They say some of the best relationships start out as friends. So, what happens if you fall for your fwb? And especially if he (or she) doesn’t feel the same way? Is it inevitable that someone is going to get hurt? What if one of you starts dating someone seriously. Do you just end the benefits but stay friends? End the friendship completely? And what are the rules about having an FWB? Do you have a friendship outside of the sexual one? Do you hang out the way friends do? If so, where is the line between FWB and boyfriend? To me, it seems like a pretty fine line that could be easy confuse.

In the movie, Friends with Benefits, staring Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake, the line definitely gets crossed. Confusion and heartbreak ensues. But of course, it’s a movie and in the end they realize they are perfect for one another. And of course, live happily ever after. But does that actually happen in real life?

What is your experience with having a FWB? Did it work? Did someone get hurt? Is it the perfect solution for a busy single mom who is having trouble putting herself out there?

Related articles

• Friends with benefits: Does having casual sex with friends work? (dnaindia.com)
• Friends with benefits.. can girls do it? (ajcreationsau.wordpress.com)

The History of Love

My History of Love! I was thinking back last night on all the dating I have done over the years. It goes a long way back. I thought  maybe I’d make a list. I’m going to skip high school. I was really shy, didn’t really date and didn’t have my first real romance until college. After that I was a serial monogamist for most of my early 20’s.

B: I was 18, he was my first real boyfriend. I met him at Woodstock in 1999. Turns out we were living in the same small town in MD and traveled to Rome, NY to meet while smoking a joint. Turns out, I was smoking a joint because it was Woodstock. He was smoking a joint because that’s what he did. All the time. 9 months later, he broke my heart.

M: Met at age 20 through mutual friends. Dated then lived together for 2 years. I broke his heart and still feel guilty about it. But I wasn’t in love with him. And he married the next girl he dated so obviously it was the right decision for both of us!

G: My first real love. I thought I would spend the rest of my life with this one…unfortunately, his alcohol and drug abuse ruined everything. After 3 years I finally had enough of the lies and ended it for good.

C: The one that got away. What started as a summer fling turned into a real friendship. Timing and circumstances have kept this relationship from ever realizing it’s full potential. We’ve lost touch again and I miss him a lot. We used to say that we knew we would end up together eventually and get married. I wonder if he still thinks about me.

B: Convinced me to move across the world with him, said he wanted to marry me, then dumped me. But, that’s okay. Because thanks to him I had the chance to live in Europe for 2.5 years. I have visited amazing places and met people who have changed my life in every way possible, all thanks to B. Wherever you are B, even though I still think you are an asshole, I am grateful for how you changed my life.

Singleton!!!! This was my year of being single. I dated, had a few flings, got my heart broken once…then I got pregnant. Ooops.

C2: The baby daddy. I met C2 at work. We began dating and it seemed to be going well at first. But, it slowly became clear that we were not compatible in the long term. He had a thing for drugs, weekend flings and secret text messages to other women. I think he was the type who wanted his cake and to eat it to…he wanted a nice girl to come home to but he wasn’t ready to give up the casual sex and partying that he so enjoyed. Unfortunately you just can’t have it both ways. At least not with me you can’t. So, we ended things after a few months in a mutually agreed upon fight with some not so nice words said. That was on Monday. Wednesday I realized I might be pregnant. And that story is for another post on another day.

So, that’s the history of my love life. Now I’m a single mom to a 4 year old, attempting to figure out how to date again in this new reality of mine.

p.s. did you know there is a book called the “The History of Love“? It’s a great book. You should check it out.

Best Date Ever

Who needs online dating anyway? My Boo Boo is the best dinner date a mommy could ever hope for.

Too bad he never offers to pick up the check!

Single Mom…dating?

About a year ago I wrote a post about why I don’t date. To make a long story short, I just didn’t have the emotional energy dating requires. (Read the full post here.) Well, I went on a date last night! So I guess now this single mom is dating. I’m not sure what switched in my brain but recently I just really started to feel tug of loneliness. I am really tired of not having anyone to share my life with. So, I took the plunge and headed back into the world of online dating.

I’ve attempted online dating sporadically in the past. I usually never got past the first email or two. As soon as a guy mentioned the idea of actually meeting in person I just kind of backed away and pulled the old disappearing act. I went as far as texting with a few guys but still never went anywhere. One guy did a disappearing act on me and I suspect he may  have been married. Another was obsessed with talking about his ex-wife. Now, I totally get that if you are in your 30’s and online dating, you are going to have some baggage. But, let’s move on now, shall we?

I went on one date with someone I met online about  3 years ago. There was zero chemistry and I’m pretty sure the feeling was mutual since I never heard from him again. Even though I had no interest in seeing him again, it still stings a little to know he felt the same way. I mean, I think I’m pretty awesome. Obviously he did not agree!

So, back to the point-I went on a date last night. My most recent foray into online dating has been slightly more positive. I started talking to a guy and we seemed to really hit it off immediately. We have a lot in common, very similar situations with regard to our children and priorities. So, when he asked me to go on a date, I actually said yes.

And then, surprisingly, I had a really great time. We really just talked for hours and it seemed like we never ran out of things to talk about. And now comes the hard part. The part that goes with the post from a year ago. The waiting. The anxiety. The, “is he going to ask me out again?” feeling. The knowing that I could get hurt because I like this guy and he may not feel the same way. And then because I’m a woman, I over-analyze everything. Everything. It’s so damn stressful it makes me want to do my disappearing act again. It’s so much easier to just hide away with my 4 year old than to actually put myself out there and risk getting hurt.

But, I’m not running away this time. I’m out there. I’m going to risk it. Wish me luck, I might need it.

The hardest thing?

Someone asked me recently what I think the hardest thing about being a single mom is. I was like, wow, great question, but how could I even begin to pick just one? But after thinking about it I realized I do have an answer, and it’s hands down the hardest thing about being a single mom. And it’s not the obvious choices that probably pop into you mind when you hear the question.

It’s not money. The thing about money is, it’s just money. It really is. No matter how much I have or don’t have, it doesn’t control me our my life. Yes, it sucks to always be stressing about money. It sucks to know that I have to depend on child support from his father and that if it doesn’t show up one month, I might not be able to make rent. (And that has happened before.)  Really, compared to a lot of single moms, I am lucky in that department because I actually GET child support. My son’s father does have a decent job and the child support comes to me straight out of his paycheck so for the most part, it’s not something I have to worry about. Although it hurts my pride to need it, I am grateful to have it.

The hardest part isn’t loneliness. Yes, I’m lonely. It sucks not to have someone to share my life with. It really sucks not to have someone to share being a parent with. Being a parent is such an amazingly rewarding experience and I wish I had someone to share that joy with. And at night after Boo Boo goes to bed…well those few hours when I’m alone for the first time all day, when it’s quiet and there is no Mickey Mouse playing in the background, that’s when the loneliness hits. At least I don’t have to worry about sleeping alone. My 3-year old prefers to sleep with me and he’s a great cuddler.

The hardest part isn’t dating. I’ve posted before on how I feel about dating as a single mom. Although I’m sure dating as a single mom is hard, for me right now it’s easy. Boo Boo comes first and the rest will have to fall into place around him. If it doesn’t…oh well. I don’t have the time or energy to be sad about it.

The hardest part of being a single mom is the constant knowledge that somewhere, in the very near future, my son is going to ask me, “why don’t I have a daddy?” And I don’t know what to tell him. As he gets older the questions will just get worse. “so and so says that everyone has a mommy and a daddy,” or “why doesn’t my daddy want me?” or even worse, “why doesn’t my daddy love me?” My heart hurts and I get a sick feeling in my stomach thinking about these questions.

How am I going to raise a strong, confident young boy and raise him to be a man while facing these kinds of questions? I want to protect my son from every possible hurt in this world. I don’t want him to ever feel sad or rejected or unloved. How am I going to protect him from the hurt and pain of rejection from his father? Not to mention the fear that some day he will blame me for his father’s absence. Of course, I will tell him that not everyone has 2 parents, some kids have two moms or two dads, and some just have one or the other. I will tell him that his father does love him but he’s just really far away and can’t be here for him. I will tell him that his father loves him but doesn’t know how to separate that love from his anger at me for taking him away. Then I will have to explain to him why I took him away. (That’s when the blaming me will start.) Someday he will grow up and he will be able to understand how complicated it all is. He will be able to understand that I had to make the best choices I possibly could to protect him and give him the best life possible. Some day he will understand that his father really does love him, in his own, sadly selfish way.

Some day he will understand it all. But it’s going to be a very long, difficult road to get him to that understanding. And that is the hardest part of being a single parent.

Single mom (not) dating

I’ve been on three dates in three and a half  years. And no second dates. The last one was over a year ago and that’s just fine with me. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t enjoy  being alone. Actually, I think the only thing really missing in my life right now is a partner to share it with. But I’m not doing anything about finding that someone and I have no plans to, at least for the time being.

Prior to my life as a mommy, dating was sort of the center of my world. Pretty much everything I did revolved around meeting a guy, going on dates and starting relationships (or ending them.)

I went on dinner dates, movie dates, drinks dates, concert dates…I even went away for weekends with dates. It took a LOT of time and energy. A bad date or blow-off by a guy I really liked could devastate me. Emotionally, dating was exhausting.  I spent a lot of my time thinking about and analyzing my relationships wondering if this guy might be ‘the one’ or what I did that made that guy not like me back. My world revolved around my dating.

Now I go on park dates, pizza dates, zoo dates, and last week I even went on a beach date for the weekend. I’m trying to get tickets to see the Wiggles in concert this summer. All of my time and energy is spent on Boo Boo. Sometimes my love for him feels so strong I think my heart might burst. Talk about emotionally exhausting. I spend a lot of my time thinking about all the things I need to do to take care of him and wondering if I’m being a good enough mom to him. My Boo Boo is my world.

Attempting to date as a single mom has so many layers to work through just the thought kind of exhausts me. And I don’t have time to be exhausted. My biggest fear is that I will be the kind of mother who makes the decision to put a man before my son. It happens so often it almost feels inevitable. Society certainly expects me to be out living it up while my son is home with Grandma. If my life were a book or movie, I’d marry a man who loved me but was jealous of my relationship with my son and would do anything to come between us. My vow is to NEVER let anything or anyone come between me and my Boo Boo.

When I found out I was (unexpectedly) pregnant, my world changed in an instant. Every thought, every decision immediately became about his needs first, mine second (before I even knew he  was a HE.) Today I am a single mother because three and a half years ago I made the most difficult decision of my life, to leave my son’s father and embark on this journey alone. I signed us both up for this life and now it’s my job to make sure it’s a good one. I remind myself of that every single day.

Not dating is not a sacrifice. It’s just what I signed up for. Boo Boo deserves a mommy who is one hundred percent emotionally invested in him. I only have so much emotional energy to give and dating would require me to take some of it away from Boo Boo and give it to someone else. That’s just not something I’m willing to do, at least for the time being.

As he gets older,  it will get easier (or so everyone tells me.) Boo Boo will become more self sufficient and require less of my time and energy. Maybe then I’ll have a just enough left over to try and share it with someone else. But for now, I’ve found my partner. All my dates are with Boo Boo, and that’s just fine with me.

 

Update: 1 Year Later