How to Win an Argument with a Narcissist

Just walk away.

Seriously, that’s it. Just walk away.

The more you argue with a narcissist, the more power you give them. You will never convince a narcissist that he (or she!) may be wrong. Instead, you will just continue to give them voice for their already inflated ego. You will become more and more frustrated and they will become more and more convinced of their “rightness.” Eventually, you will give up or give in, because really, that’s the only way the argument will ever end. Imagine if you had saved yourself all that energy and just walked away.

They will still think they are the better and bigger person. I mean, that will never change. But they will not have succeeded in making you feel smaller, and that is where the victory lies. See, a narcissist keeps his ego inflated by trying to deflate yours. The smaller your ego gets, the bigger his gets. That’s how they work. They wear you down while building themselves up. While you argue, you give them all the power.  They know eventually, you will give in, and that’s where they get their power.

narcissism

[nahr-suh-siz-em]
noun
1. inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity.
Synonyms: self-centeredness, smugness, egocentrism.

When you walk away, you take away their power. If you won’t argue with him, it doesn’t even matter if he was right. Because he didn’t get to PROVE to you he was right! He didn’t get to inflate his ego or build up his self-esteem. He didn’t get the chance to show you how superior he is to you. And for a narcissist, that is the the point. Their sense of self depends on showing how superior they are.

So, just walk away. In fact, RUN. As fast as you can. Out of his life.

Because you know the truth about him. And that is where you get your power.

Ramblings

I remember when I wanted this blog to be about my dating life and adventures. Seriously. Yeah, I’m over that now.

I mean, really. Who the fuck has time to think about dating when you are just trying your best to hold your shit together and take care of your kid, day in and day out? I am so burnt out and exhausted. I cannot remember the last time I was alone. Just, completely alone. I don’t want to date. I want to be ALONE. I’m so tired of being stressed out and tired of being tired.

**This is where I insert the required disclaimer that I love my son and I would never change anything about our lives, I’m just having a rough time and need to vent. Of course I freaking love my son. I’m still human. Sometimes I DON’T love my life. I would change a LOT about our lives. I wouldn’t change him, because he really is the only thing that gets me through the day sometimes. And I’m so proud of him and the person he is becoming. But, sometimes looking at him makes me feel like the biggest failure of all.

God, I’m 33 years old, I’m supposed to have my shit together by now. I’m not supposed to be living paycheck to paycheck. I’m not supposed to overdraw my bank account because I bought him a damn scooter for Easter. I’m supposed to have finished college by now. I’m supposed to be working UP in my career. I’m supposed to be able to afford for us to live somewhere nicer than a freaking basement infested with disgusting fucking stink bugs. I’m supposed to be healthy and active and not weigh 50 lbs more than I did 5 years ago. I’m supposed to have a social life and friends and WANT to go on dates. Fuck, I’m supposed to be married already. My son is supposed to have a fucking FATHER.

I can’t put any real effort into dating or meeting someone because it’s just too much damn work. I can’t be myself. I can’t say to a potential date, “yeah, I really don’t have my shit together. I’m broke, I’m stressed out, and I’m tired. I don’t want to go out for a drink and have witty conversation. I want to go home and go to sleep right now. I’m only here because I’m SUPPOSED to want to date. And I keep hoping if I do it enough, I’ll meet someone who I actually DO want to date.”

The truth? The truth is, I want to meet someone who I don’t have to pretend with. Someone who just sees the life I’m living, sees me struggling, and thinks, she’s awesome. I want to marry her, be a father to her kid and have a baby. And I want him to have enough money to support our new family. There, I said it. Yes, it’s true. That’s what I want. I don’t want a sugar daddy. I want to work and finish school and  have a career. I just want a partner in it. And he has to be hot. And smart. Why is all that so much to fucking ask for?

I know I just went in a rambling circle from wanting to be alone to wanting to be married with a baby. I don’t know what I want. 

Trials of online dating

Just a summary of this week in online dating:

Visitors to my page included someone with the screen name “pukeone” Is it just me or is that very unappealing?

I got some lovely messages:

  • one from this lovely guy:

photo

  • A very polite young man from  Barcelona wanting to be facebook friends.
  • And a married guy looking for some company while he goes through a “rough” time in his marriage.

And in my suggested matches I got:

  • An ex-boyfriend
  • And this guy:

photo2

I would really like to know what 10% this guy and I match in so I change mine.

Yup, just a week in the life of online dating.

Just Friends…with Benefits?

FWB. Have you ever had one?

During a discussion with some other single moms today we were discussing the ins and outs of dating as a single mom with your post-baby body. I’m sure any woman who has ever been pregnant can relate to the insecurities you feel about your body post-baby. But, imagine wading into the dating world with those insecurities. Welcome to my life! So, anyway, one participant in this conversation said, “sometimes you need someone else to see you as sexy before you can see yourself that way.” So that led me to wonder, is a FWB the answer?

If you aren’t familiar with the term, FWB stands for Friends with Benefits. It basically means you and a friend occasionally get together and have sex, no strings attached. It’s not a relationship because you are both free to see other people and there is no expectation of things like cuddling, going on dates, or being emotionally “there” for each other. It’s not really a fling because you are friends with a mutual respect for one another. And it’s not a one night stand because it’s ongoing.  Could this be the solution to a single mom’s body issues? Seems simple enough, right? You both get the sexual relationship you might be craving and the confidence you need to get out there start dating and looking for “the one.” But is it really that simple?

fwb_260797-500x

They say some of the best relationships start out as friends. So, what happens if you fall for your fwb? And especially if he (or she) doesn’t feel the same way? Is it inevitable that someone is going to get hurt? What if one of you starts dating someone seriously. Do you just end the benefits but stay friends? End the friendship completely? And what are the rules about having an FWB? Do you have a friendship outside of the sexual one? Do you hang out the way friends do? If so, where is the line between FWB and boyfriend? To me, it seems like a pretty fine line that could be easy confuse.

In the movie, Friends with Benefits, staring Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake, the line definitely gets crossed. Confusion and heartbreak ensues. But of course, it’s a movie and in the end they realize they are perfect for one another. And of course, live happily ever after. But does that actually happen in real life?

What is your experience with having a FWB? Did it work? Did someone get hurt? Is it the perfect solution for a busy single mom who is having trouble putting herself out there?

The story of C2 (baby’s daddy)

I did promise to tell the story of C2, otherwise known as my baby’s daddy.

This story isn’t intended to make anyone look like a jerk…but I can’t help it if you form your own conclusions!

I started a new job in the summer of 2008 and met C2 shortly after. He worked in the IT department and I actually thought he was gay. I’m not sure why I thought that, and I’ve never told him of my initial impression. I don’t think he would really find the humor in it. It IS funny though because apparently it’s a trait most of my ex-boyfriends have. Not being gay, just people thinking they might be. Actually, I still kind of think B is gay. But anyway, C2 is not gay. That I am sure of now.

He overheard me discussing my upcoming birthday party and invited himself. I had not really paid much attention to him until that moment, but all of the sudden I realized he was kinda cute. So, he came to the party, everyone had fun. That night a group of us, including C2, stayed over at my friend Jackie’s house (no drinking and driving!) He walked out of the room he was sleeping in with no shirt on, and I was hooked. He had been hiding a pretty smokin’ hot body under those button down shirts!

We went on our first date the following week. The relationship was fun at first, we mostly kept it a secret at work which added a bit of intrigue to it. We agreed to not see other people. I visited his apartment for the first time and as I sat in his living room waiting on him I noticed a CD with razor marks and traces of white powder all over it. Yup…I really know how to pick ’em. Before this I never suspected drug use but looking back I was able to see the signs (not being able to sleep at night being the biggest one.)

When confronted, he was somewhat candid and honest about his drug use. He explained that it was not cocaine he was doing, but a form of speed known as “Pep” in Europe. He said he mostly used it before working out and that it is not physically addictive like some other forms of speed. My own research does back up his claims about the drug, not that it is acceptable either way. I informed him in no uncertain terms that I have zero tolerance for being involved with someone who uses drugs of any kind. He swore that he had no problem giving it up. That I was the first girl he had gotten serious about in a long time and he wasn’t going to risk losing me. That he didn’t do it much any more anyway and this was no big deal. And I bought it. Hook, Line, and Sinker. I even compromised with him and agreed that I didn’t mind if he still smoked pot occasionally as long as it wasn’t around me. Sigh…you’d think I would have learned my lesson with my last drug addict boyfriend.

Note to liars: delete the evidence!

Note to liars: delete the evidence!

The next red flag was when he left his email open on my laptop and I saw the dozen emails he was exchanging on an online dating site. He swore he was no longer actively using the site, that he would deactivate his profile, and blah, blah, blah.  At this point I think we were both tiring of the relationship. It was becoming increasingly obvious that we were not well suited for one another. We argued a lot over silly things. Around the 6 week mark he left early one morning to go to the gym, and forgot his phone. Curiosity killed this cat, and I looked at his text messages. The first one I saw was to someone he referred to as “gorgeous” saying he couldn’t wait to meet her. A quick Google search and I found a 2nd online dating profile. This one was on “HotorNot.com” and his profile picture was brand new. I know it was brand new because it was one I took of him 2 weeks earlier at a friend’s wedding. So much for not actively using those sites anymore!

We mutually agreed to end the relationship. He said I was too dramatic for him. I told him he was an uncaring asshole. That probably would have been the end of of it. I made plans to go out Friday night with friends and had every intention of finding someone to help me get over C2. I was disappointed the relationship didn’t work out, but I wasn’t devastated. I was ready to  move on.

2 days later I realized I was late. Friday rolled around and I decided I should take a pregnancy test, just in case. I honestly did not ever expect it to actually be positive. We had been careful (for the most part.) I took a few hours to get myself together and I emailed C2, asking if he could stop by on his way home from work. I had something important I needed to talk to him about. When I let him in, he had a funny look on his face. Apparently he thought I was inviting him over to either bust him in another lie, or for some breakup sex. I’m pretty sure he did not expect the words that came out of my mouth, “I’m pregnant.”

the moment you realize your life is c hanging forever.

that moment when you realize your life is about to change forever.

 

to be continued…

My Friend Greg

As I jump back into the dating world, I am reminded of an old friend Greg. Greg gave amazing advice about men and dating. Back in my BC (before child) days, my girlfriends and I referred often to Greg as we navigated our single lives. Many a sentence began with, “Greg says…”

Greg is the author of the book, “He’s just not that into you.” A former writer on Sex in the City, he made that line famous in an episode of the show and it has been an important part of my life ever since.

20130727-231619.jpgIt’s been a few years and I kind of forgot about Greg and his words of wisdom. And then tonight it hit me! He’s not calling me. He’s not asking me out. He’s just not that into me!!!! And that’s okay. Because somewhere out there is someone who IS into me. And why would I want to waste time worrying about someone who isn’t???

It’s hard to get past my ego sometimes. That doesn’t mean I’m conceited or have an overly optimistic outlook on myself or anything. Just that when I realize someone is just not that into me, my initial reaction is to think, “I’m sure if I just give him some time to get to know me, he will will realize how amazing I am.” And of course, I waste ridiculous amounts of time trying to show this man just how amazing I am. But of course, he doesn’t realize this, because he’s just not that into me. Then I beat myself up, wondering what is wrong with me that made him not be into me.

But really, does it matter WHY he isn’t into me? I am 32 years old! My personality is pretty well established, don’t you think? This is me. Love me or leave me, this is what you are gonna get. So if he’s not into me now, he has done me a favor. He has freed me up to go find someone who IS into me. This paragraph was a pep talk to myself. I know these things are true. I just have trouble remembering it sometimes.

20130727-231748.jpgI just discovered Greg has a new book out titled, “It’s Just a F***ing Date: Some Sort of Book About Dating.” So, it’s time for me to go catch up with my friend, Greg. I wonder what he will have to say about my recent date.