How to Win an Argument with a Narcissist

Just walk away.

Seriously, that’s it. Just walk away.

The more you argue with a narcissist, the more power you give them. You will never convince a narcissist that he (or she!) may be wrong. Instead, you will just continue to give them voice for their already inflated ego. You will become more and more frustrated and they will become more and more convinced of their “rightness.” Eventually, you will give up or give in, because really, that’s the only way the argument will ever end. Imagine if you had saved yourself all that energy and just walked away.

They will still think they are the better and bigger person. I mean, that will never change. But they will not have succeeded in making you feel smaller, and that is where the victory lies. See, a narcissist keeps his ego inflated by trying to deflate yours. The smaller your ego gets, the bigger his gets. That’s how they work. They wear you down while building themselves up. While you argue, you give them all the power.  They know eventually, you will give in, and that’s where they get their power.

narcissism

[nahr-suh-siz-em]
noun
1. inordinate fascination with oneself; excessive self-love; vanity.
Synonyms: self-centeredness, smugness, egocentrism.

When you walk away, you take away their power. If you won’t argue with him, it doesn’t even matter if he was right. Because he didn’t get to PROVE to you he was right! He didn’t get to inflate his ego or build up his self-esteem. He didn’t get the chance to show you how superior he is to you. And for a narcissist, that is the the point. Their sense of self depends on showing how superior they are.

So, just walk away. In fact, RUN. As fast as you can. Out of his life.

Because you know the truth about him. And that is where you get your power.

Love and Loss

It’s been over a month and I still can’t figure out how to put this down in writing. On March 17, I found out that my first love, G, who I’ve written about several times, had died. His body couldn’t withstand the years of alcohol abuse. Words to describe how I feel about this are jumbled in my head. Devastated. sad, guilty, heartbroken, empty, angry, disappointed…I’ve run the gauntlet of emotions. Apparently this is normal when you lose someone you love.

This is my first up close and personal experience with loss. Two of my grandparents have passed away, and I miss them greatly, but we are usually prepared for that loss. The sudden loss of someone young and with so much life ahead of him is not something I know how to deal with. I get to a point where I think I’ve accepted it and then it comes out of nowhere and hits me like a ton of bricks. The grief, all over again. The disbelief. The feeling that I’m having a nightmare that I can’t wake up from. Because, G can’t be gone. He just…can’t. There are things I still needed to say and words I needed to hear. Forgiveness to give and apologies to offer. Love. Anger. Laughter. Tears. There is just so much left. I’m not ready to say goodbye.

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After I got the news, I went up to the lake. I needed to walk in the sand. It was March 17, and the first semi-nice spring day we’d had. The sand was wet. And cold. But, there were things I needed to say, and that was the only way I could of think to do it. To try to find a way that maybe he could hear me.

I told him how sorry I am. Sorry for not being a better friend. Sorry for not being there when he needed me. Sorry for not being more patient. Sorry for treating his alcoholism as something he could control. Sorry for not trying harder to get him help. Because I am just so sorry. For everything.

I also told him I forgive him. For being an alcoholic. For not being strong enough to get help. For all the times he hurt me, or disappointed me. I forgave him for everything.

I told him I love him. That I will always love him. That he was my first and only true love. I told him that I know he loved me. And that I know he would have been a better boyfriend, if he could have been.

These are things we should have said while he was still alive but I waited too long. At the time of his death, we hadn’t spoken in about 6 months. After my last visit, his behavior became more and more erratic. His texts began to resemble the ones he used to send after we broke up, ten years ago. Back then, I was still reeling from the hurt and pain of our relationship, and he wouldn’t let me move on. I finally resorted to having my phone # changed. Back then, and now, he just couldn’t seem to understand how inappropriate his behavior was. So, finally, I blocked him. He couldn’t call or write me. I thought about him a lot, and considered unblocking him several times. I wondered if enough time had passed that he would be able to handle our friendship. Each time I considered it, I decided I wasn’t ready to go there quite yet.

So, I’ll never know how many times he might have tried to reach out to me. Near the end of his life, he was mostly alone. He alienated or pushed away most of his friends. His mom was the only person he remained close with (and he lived with her.) She tells me he called a rehab facility twice in the last year of his life. He never followed through though. I can’t help but wonder if I had been there, to support and encourage him, maybe he could have found the strength to try. These are burdens I will carry for the rest of my life.

Our romantic relationship ended a long time ago, but I never stopped loving G. I never stopped hoping he would find a way to get better, and to find peace within himself. At his memorial service, his mom and I talked. She said she believes that he is finally at peace. That in death he is able to find the peace he couldn’t while alive. At the time, I didn’t agree. The idea of him dying, alone, and thinking that I hated him, couldn’t possibly have brought him peace. But, she told me that he knew I didn’t hate him. He knew how much I loved him. And that he loved me very much. As I keep replaying that conversation in my head, I think about the line from the movie, ‘The Notebook’ that says,11071608_10205535486120040_4395214951610705403_o

I’ve loved another with all my heart and soul, and to me, this has always been enough.

I don’t think any love can ever really duplicate your first love but I hope that someday, I find someone who who I can love fully, and who can love me fully. But if I don’t, I will be comforted in knowing that I have loved someone with all my heart and soul, and I have been loved by another’s heart and soul. And that will have to be enough.

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Kids say the darndest things

If you are not friends with me on facebook, you are missing out on all the hilarious things that come out of my Boo Boo’s mouth. These are all direct quotes from my facebook timeline.

As he runs past me in the living room,

I have to go poop super bad! When you have to go super bad you have to just run! Like, for your life!

Boo Boo called me “bro” this morning. When I stopped laughing I asked him if he knew what that means, and he said, “it’s like another word for pal, mom…” If he had added a “duh,” I wouldn’t have been surprised.

Conversation while driving in the car, and on the phone with my sister:

Me: “so, you want me to go to in the opposite direction from where I need to go, in the freezing cold, drag Boo Boo into a grocery store, and buy you one can of beans and bring it to your house?”
Aimee: “yes. Please.”
Me: ” you owe me Big time.”
Aimee: “thank you”
Boo Boo: “we’re going to the store to buy a can of beans? This is RIDICULOUS. stupid beans.”

This kid has an answer for everything. Me, “please stop arguing with me and just do what I asked.” Boo Boo, “then you stop arguing with me!” Me, “Just put the marbles away!” Boo Boo, “Stop always bossing me around and telling me what to do!”

And then there was this: Boo Boo has decided he wants to start saving his money so he can give it to the kids in Guatemala who can’t afford to go to school. So, we are off to buy a new piggy bank, while my heart bursts with pride 💕” Have I mentioned how much I love my kid?

Boo Boo and I had a small disagreement.
Boo Boo: “I’m sorry I was mean to you mommy.”
Me: “I’m sorry I snapped at you sweetie.”
Boo Boo: “I’m sorry I was going to throw you out the window.”
At least he was sorry?
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Boo Boo and I are spending Thanksgiving with my sister & family. I was explaining earlier that his cousins are moving to Germany soon so a lot of their stuff is already on a boat to meet them there. He asked about where we will sleep while there, and wanted to make sure they still have a tv. Randomly later he says, very concerned,

mommy, did they take all their tissues to go on the boat? Because I get a lot of boogers in my nose.

I assured him the movers did not pack the tissues for Germany yet and there would be some there for him to use.

Boo Boo and I just had a bit of confusion over the words principal and criminal. Rest assured, he now understands that his principal won’t be killing anybody dead anytime soon.

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First Day of Kindergarten Disaster. This one is going in the scrapbook. **I’ll preface this with, Boo Boo is fine. He’s staying at school and he is completely over it now.** So, I got a call from the health room at school. Boo  Boo got his arm stuck in a RAIN GUTTER. (it’s not an actual in use rain gutter, they’ve attached old gutters to a fence to make tubes for the kids to slide stuff down, if that makes sense.) Boo  Boo put something down the gutter and then put his arm in to get it back, and his arm got stuck.

They had to DETACH the gutter from the fence and they went inside with the gutter ON HIS ARM. They were worried they would have to call someone to cut it off, but luckily after calming down for a few minutes, he was able to slide his arm out on his own. I was able to talk to him on the phone and he is cheerful now and seems fine, although he does say, “it hurt a whole lot.”

Christmas for 2

It’s hard to get into the holiday spirit as a single mom. But, tell that to my five year old! He has enough holiday cheer for both of us. So…it’s all about grinning and faking it. I did my best.

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Small tree for a small apartment

We needed a  spot to hang our stockings.

We needed a spot to hang our stockings, so I made a fireplace out of cardboard boxes. Don’t ask me where I found the motivation to do this because I am so not crafty. Every once in a while the mood strikes me though.

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Then we got sick. And yes, we have an elf. Don’t judge me. I hate the fucker, but Thomas is a part of our family now.

And, Ms. Claus struck again. I'm telling you, Santa is overrated. I'm sure she does all the work anyway.

And, Ms. Claus struck again. I’m telling you, Santa is overrated. I’m sure she does all the work anyway.

The one who got away?

Have you ever just been randomly stalking someone on facebook who you hadn’t talked to in a long time, and then see something that makes you feel like you just got punched in the stomach? Yeah, that’s me right now.

There are many kinds of relationships. I used to have one that I thought, in some way, transcended all others. It was able to evolve over the years and adapt to ever changing circumstances. It was sometimes a romantic relationship, sometimes a platonic one, but a friendship above all else.

Something happened that hurt my feelings and instead of talking it through, I made the mistake of pulling away. I guess deep down I hoped it would right itself over time but instead the friendship faded away completely.

I never stopped the feeling however, that it was the kind of relationship that could be revived at any time. Several times over the past couple of years, events in my life have led to my thinking, “wow, I miss my best friend.” For some reason I always assumed this feeling was mutual, this knowing that we could come back to the friendship at anytime.

It turns out, “the one who got away” is a lot closer than I realized. Geographically, at least. Emotionally, he’s never been farther away. 

No More Excuses

Most people know, I have a pretty busy (sometimes crazy) life. I’m a full-time single parent. I have a full-time job and do freelance work on the side. I don’t get days off. I don’t even get hours off. I’m exhausted. Money is always tight and I have to carefully watch every expense. I also have health issues. Asthma, high cholesterol, a slipped disc in my back, sciatica, shin splints and planter faciitis to name a few.

And for years, I used all of the above, and then some, as an excuse for gaining weight and not taking care of my body.

  • I don’t have time to workout
  • Eating healthy is too expensive.
  • I don’t have time to cook healthy meals.
  • Gyms are too expensive.

But guess what? That’s all they were. Excuses. Where did all those excuses get me? Overweight, unhealthy, unhappy and lacking self-confidence.

NO MORE EXCUSES

Finding SoldierFit changed my life. I gained confidence, strength and knowledge when I walked in those doors. I finally all my excuses for not working out. I MADE time. I chose to spend money on a gym membership rather than buy myself new clothes or take a vacation. I stopped making excuses.

2 months ago I found Beachbody and once again, it has been a life changing experience. In addition to the 21 Day Fix meal plan, I can now workout at home several days/week. When I don’t have time to get to the gym, I don’t need to use that as yet another excuse to skip my workout.

When I began following the 21 day fix meal plan, guess what I found? Eating healthy is NOT too expensive! I am spending less on food now than I was before. Are my grocery bills a little higher? Yes. I’m buying more fresh and organic foods and they are more expensive. But I’m NOT eating out. I’m not ordering pizza three times in one week. Is Shakeology expensive? Well…I spend less $ per day on my healthy, coffee shake than I used to on my McDonalds breakfast and coffee.

I’m finishing up round 2 of the 21 day fix next week. In 2 months I’m down 6lbs. It’s not a lot but I’m also down an entire pants size! That means more to me than any number on the scale. The best part is, I feel amazing! I have more energy than I’ve had in YEARS! I can see muscle definition in my arms and legs that I don’t think I’ve ever seen before. After many years I’ve realized, there is no easy way out or magic pill. Excuses don’t work. Hard work and dedication do.

Next weekend I will finish off the 21 day fix with a 3 Day Refresh, then jump into my next challenge, PiYo. Along with fellow independent Team Beachbody coaches, I have 2 challenge groups beginning on July 7 to help motivate and encourage everyone working these 2 programs. There is still space available in both groups – if you are ready to make a change in your life and commit to #NoMoreExcuses comment here or send me an email to get started!

Get me off of Pinterest!

Everytime I get on Pinterest, I get this crazy idea that I can be a crafty mom. I can bake and make stuff and decorate and man, it’s going to be awesome.

I moved in March and I had dozens of pins and a very specific plan for how I was going to decorate my new home. Here’s some of my pinterest inspired ideas:

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I was going to frame Boo Boo’s artwork for the living room.

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The toys in the living room were going to be so organized and neat.

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Everything would be so bright and colorful.

HAHAHA!  There is one picture on my wall. Trains and toys dominate the living room, and it’s a basement apartment so it’s never bright. But…it’s home.

Now I’m planning Boo Boo’s Birthday Party. Here’s the plan:

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Train everything – Banners, signs, games, the works. 

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Cupcake Train! 

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Snack Train featuring a Log Car (pretzel rods,) Snack Car (chips,) and Produce Car (veggies!)

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Duct Tape Railroad tracks leading to the party!

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Train Cars to play in!

I may be in a little over my head. We’ll see. The party is on Saturday, I will post pictures to compare the vision to the reality.

By the way, I had a horrible dream the other night that it snowed the day of our (outdoor) party. It was horrible. Summer has arrived but I’m still having nightmares about all the damn snow we got this winter.