The one who got away?

Have you ever just been randomly stalking someone on facebook who you hadn’t talked to in a long time, and then see something that makes you feel like you just got punched in the stomach? Yeah, that’s me right now.

There are many kinds of relationships. I used to have one that I thought, in some way, transcended all others. It was able to evolve over the years and adapt to ever changing circumstances. It was sometimes a romantic relationship, sometimes a platonic one, but a friendship above all else.

Something happened that hurt my feelings and instead of talking it through, I made the mistake of pulling away. I guess deep down I hoped it would right itself over time but instead the friendship faded away completely.

I never stopped the feeling however, that it was the kind of relationship that could be revived at any time. Several times over the past couple of years, events in my life have led to my thinking, “wow, I miss my best friend.” For some reason I always assumed this feeling was mutual, this knowing that we could come back to the friendship at anytime.

It turns out, “the one who got away” is a lot closer than I realized. Geographically, at least. Emotionally, he’s never been farther away. 


feeling not so refreshed

I’m on Day 3 of the 3 Day Refresh by Beachbody. I would love to sit here and say (as I’ve seen by other coaches all over the internet) that I feel so energetic and great and that it’s sooo easy. But…I’d be lying. It’s definitely not easy. And I don’t feel energetic or great. The first day was actually pretty easy. But days 2 and 3, not so much.

First of all, I’m hungry. Like, really hungry. And, I have had a headache for 3 days. And, I feel a little dizzy right now. But, today is actually way better than yesterday. Yesterday was horrible. I was dizzy and weak. I ended up eating pasta with my dinner and a spoonful of peanut butter and it helped, a lot. I thought a lot about quitting last night. But, I decided rather than quit, I was going to listen to my body and modify the food plan today as needed. If my body needs more food to function, I’m going to give it what it needs.

I think the headache is mostly from caffeine withdrawal. Although I’ve been drinking some green tea, it’s by no means been enough to replace the coffee and diet coke I normally drink daily. So, this morning I made my regular shake with almond milk and coffee, instead of just plain with water as the Refresh plan calls for. I also ate a whole banana instead of half. It helped a lot, I actually felt pretty good all morning. For lunch I had my Vanilla Fresh shake, cup of watermelon, cucumber and 2 TBSP of hummus, which is what the plan calls for. But, I added a small pita to that for some extra fuel. For snack this afternoon I ate another cucumber and another 2 TBSP of hummus. Based on what I’ve consumed today, I think I SHOULD be feeling okay right now but for some reason I still don’t. The dizziness started again a bit ago and eating the afternoon snack didn’t seem to help. So, I’m about to eat some plain, organic applesauce. I’m hoping the natural sugar will help. Tonight for dinner, my plan calls for another Vanilla Fresh Shake and a mixed veggies dinner recipe. I plan to have both but I will be adding another protein. Maybe some grilled chicken in my veggies.

I think the premise behind the 3 day refresh is a great one: “Kick start clean eating habits for the first time or just wanting to prepare for big event, milestone or trip. The program is also for people seeking to undo the “damage” of a recent binge. Overall, this product is for anyone wanting to lose weight quickly, to feel lighter, to feel cleaner and healthier, to improve digestion, to curb cravings for junk food, or to improve mental clarity.” But, the reality is not quite living up to the expectations for me.

While I believe firmly in the beachbody programs and message, I think this particular program needs a bit of tweaking. Some people seem to handle it just fine but many others I’ve spoken to are really struggling. I’m all for cleansing my body and resetting my metabolism. But, I expected to feel much better during this 3 day journey. As a single mother with a full-time job, a program that causes me to feel dizzy and hungry for 3 days is just not practical. It’s my opinion that beachbody needs to look at the caloric intake of this program and adjust it based on body size and weight. People who weigh more need more to just go through their daily routine. I also think the company needs to be more clear about the possible side effects and include instructions for what to do if your body just clearly needs more calories to get by.

The 3 Day Refresh did help me realize how much mindless eating I do. Especially around my 5 year old, I just pop random food into my mouth all the time! I don’t count it or even think about it and I’m sure it adds up. So, I will definitely be more conscious of that going forward. I can’t wait to get back to my PiYo meal plan tomorrow. It’s going to feel like heaven to be able to eat so much food again. I’m already salivating at the thought of the yogurt and oatmeal I’m going to eat for breakfast.

I’m still hoping tomorrow when the program is finished I wake up with the weight loss and mental clarity promised. Fingers Crossed!

*I wish this post was more positive. But I believe in being honest and I will not mislead or lie about my experiences just to sell a product. If anyone is interested in trying the 3 Day Refresh, I am happy to share more details with you and talk about whether it’s the right option for you or not. And if it’s not, that’s okay. Because there are still a bunch of other beachbody programs available that can help you reach your goals!

No More Excuses

Most people know, I have a pretty busy (sometimes crazy) life. I’m a full-time single parent. I have a full-time job and do freelance work on the side. I don’t get days off. I don’t even get hours off. I’m exhausted. Money is always tight and I have to carefully watch every expense. I also have health issues. Asthma, high cholesterol, a slipped disc in my back, sciatica, shin splints and planter faciitis to name a few.

And for years, I used all of the above, and then some, as an excuse for gaining weight and not taking care of my body.

  • I don’t have time to workout
  • Eating healthy is too expensive.
  • I don’t have time to cook healthy meals.
  • Gyms are too expensive.

But guess what? That’s all they were. Excuses. Where did all those excuses get me? Overweight, unhealthy, unhappy and lacking self-confidence.


Finding SoldierFit changed my life. I gained confidence, strength and knowledge when I walked in those doors. I finally all my excuses for not working out. I MADE time. I chose to spend money on a gym membership rather than buy myself new clothes or take a vacation. I stopped making excuses.

2 months ago I found Beachbody and once again, it has been a life changing experience. In addition to the 21 Day Fix meal plan, I can now workout at home several days/week. When I don’t have time to get to the gym, I don’t need to use that as yet another excuse to skip my workout.

When I began following the 21 day fix meal plan, guess what I found? Eating healthy is NOT too expensive! I am spending less on food now than I was before. Are my grocery bills a little higher? Yes. I’m buying more fresh and organic foods and they are more expensive. But I’m NOT eating out. I’m not ordering pizza three times in one week. Is Shakeology expensive? Well…I spend less $ per day on my healthy, coffee shake than I used to on my McDonalds breakfast and coffee.

I’m finishing up round 2 of the 21 day fix next week. In 2 months I’m down 6lbs. It’s not a lot but I’m also down an entire pants size! That means more to me than any number on the scale. The best part is, I feel amazing! I have more energy than I’ve had in YEARS! I can see muscle definition in my arms and legs that I don’t think I’ve ever seen before. After many years I’ve realized, there is no easy way out or magic pill. Excuses don’t work. Hard work and dedication do.

Next weekend I will finish off the 21 day fix with a 3 Day Refresh, then jump into my next challenge, PiYo. Along with fellow independent Team Beachbody coaches, I have 2 challenge groups beginning on July 7 to help motivate and encourage everyone working these 2 programs. There is still space available in both groups – if you are ready to make a change in your life and commit to #NoMoreExcuses comment here or send me an email to get started!



Friendships are hard. People will come and go from your life over time and it’s hard to learn how to let go and accept friendships having run their course… And the older you get, the harder it is to make new friends. So, that can leave you in kind of a tough place. Your older friends have drifted away, either due to time or circumstance…but you haven’t found new ones to fill your life.

This is so true and appropriate for me right now. I’ve really had to allow myself to accept that friendships come and go and they don’t always stand the test of time. There are certain people that I know will always be in my life, in some form or another. Time and distance may make us less “frequent” friends but they are still in my heart no matter what. It’s been hard though, to figure out who my “quarters” are. Since moving to Maryland 5 years ago, I’ve filled my life up with a lot of pennies. It took me a long time to realize that’s what I was doing.

I joined a local “mommy group” and became involved in the activities and leadership of the group. Along with that came pennies. Lots and lots of pennies. A lot of people who thought they  knew me just based on something I posted in a facebook group. A lot of women who I was “friends” with because we had kids, and lived in the same town, yet had nothing in common. These women introduced me to a phenomenon I hadn’t really experienced since middle school. Exclusive clubs. Whispering and rumors. Backstabbing. I constantly found myself thinking, “did these women ever leave high school?”

Maybe prior to the mommy group phase in my life, I was just lucky. I was lucky to find “quarters” to fill my life and feel confident in those friendships. Over time, I ended up adding a lot of pennies to my circle. I’ve spent the past year slowly removing them. Through that process, I’ve been really lucky to discover a few quarters left in the bank.

It’s really very reassuring to know that I have at least a couple true friends I can count on. I hadn’t realized how much I missed having that in my life until I found it again!

Here’s to the quarters in our lives: (dedicated to the lovely quarter/author of: OhNoIt’sPoopAgain)


Get me off of Pinterest!

Everytime I get on Pinterest, I get this crazy idea that I can be a crafty mom. I can bake and make stuff and decorate and man, it’s going to be awesome.

I moved in March and I had dozens of pins and a very specific plan for how I was going to decorate my new home. Here’s some of my pinterest inspired ideas:


I was going to frame Boo Boo’s artwork for the living room.


The toys in the living room were going to be so organized and neat.


Everything would be so bright and colorful.

HAHAHA!  There is one picture on my wall. Trains and toys dominate the living room, and it’s a basement apartment so it’s never bright. But…it’s home.

Now I’m planning Boo Boo’s Birthday Party. Here’s the plan:


Train everything – Banners, signs, games, the works. 


Cupcake Train! 


Snack Train featuring a Log Car (pretzel rods,) Snack Car (chips,) and Produce Car (veggies!)


Duct Tape Railroad tracks leading to the party!


Train Cars to play in!

I may be in a little over my head. We’ll see. The party is on Saturday, I will post pictures to compare the vision to the reality.

By the way, I had a horrible dream the other night that it snowed the day of our (outdoor) party. It was horrible. Summer has arrived but I’m still having nightmares about all the damn snow we got this winter.

I feel like an imposter

Do you ever look at your life and think, how in the hell did I GET here??? How can this be my life? Seriously, I used to be cool. I was adventurous, I traveled and went to concerts and could dance in 4 inch heels all night long. Now I am a mom. But…it just doesn’t seem real sometimes. Like, this is my life? For real? It can’t be. I don’t think I belong here.

    im·pos·tor or im·pos·ter
    One who engages in deception under an assumed name or identity.

Yup, that’s me! Imposter mom. Imposter grownup.

I smile around them and act normal but inside I know…I don’t belong here!

I’ve never felt comfortable in groups of other parents. Preschool parties, sports teams, birthday parties, any group activity full of 4 year olds really. I feel like all the other parents are looking at me thinking, “IMPOSTER!”

Why don’t I belong?  Maybe it’s because I never really pictured myself having kids. I became a mom by accident – a great, happy accident but an accident no less. Even though I love being a mom, sometimes I still can’t quite believe I am one!

The other parents all look and act waaayy more grownup than I feel. Even though they are about my age, they seem so mature. To start with, they are married. That just seems like a grownup thing to do that I’ve never been able to pull off. And they own homes and drive minivans and all kinds of other grownup stuff I just don’t do.

This week Boo Boo starts soccer and I just know some other mom there is going to see me and think, “she is soooo not a soccer mom. Imposter!”  And kindergarten. OMG. Soon I’m going to have to join the PTA and volunteer in the classroom. And go to back to school nights. And everyone is going to know. I DO NOT BELONG HERE.


Weight loss journey

I’ve posted before about my weight loss journey but haven’t updated in quite a while. I was motivated by a friend to post a very honest update here to help keep myself accountable.

You can read the backstory here. I joined SoldierFit in August of 2013, determined to do something about my weight and overall unhealthy lifestyle. I’ve had varying degrees of success since then. Physically, I’m definitely stronger and in better shape than I’ve ever been. I have muscles that I can actually SEE in my arms. But, I haven’t been consistent. I seem to go through ups and downs with my motivation. I will hit the gym regularly for a couple week, then something comes up that keeps me home for a few days and bam, I lose my motivation. Then it takes me a few weeks to get back. When I’m working out, I feel great. Except for all my body aches and pains, like shin splints, sciatica and lower back pain just to name a few.

The real problem is my diet. They say weight loss is 80% diet, 20% exercise (or something like that) and I definitely believe it. I thought if I was working out I would be able to keep eating basically the same and still lose weight. Boy, was I wrong. I started SoldierFit August at 182 lbs. I did drop a couple pounds but my weight pretty much was sitting at 178 after that. In April I weighed in at the doctor at 177. Somehow, I did manage to lose a few more pounds, I still haven’t quite figured that one out so in May I started the month out at 174.

That’s when I signed up for the 21 day fix through Beachbody. The 21 day fix is not a typical diet/weight loss hoax full of pills and cutting out all of one type of food. The program encourages “clean” eating and portion control. It has helped me tremendously with figuring out the correct balance of foods I should be eating. I learned quickly that even when I thought I was making good food choices, I wasn’t. I was eating too many refined carbs and sugars, not enough proteins and veggies. With the 21 day fix I know exactly how many servings of each: veggies, fruits, proteins, grains, fruits, and healthy fats I should be eating each day. I also know exactly how large a portion of each I should be eating (hint, the grains portion is smaller and the veggies portion is larger than what I was eating before!)  I do also drink a protein shake, although that is not required to follow the plan. The  program also comes with workout DVDs and a schedule to follow, there are no days off.

I officially started on May 7 and weighed in at 172.5. After week one I was down to 169, a loss of 3.5lbs. Also the lowest weight I have been in over 2 years! Week one I worked out all 7 days. I went to SoldierFit 4 days and followed the plan DVDs the other 3. I was so proud of myself! Week 2 went pretty well, I worked out6 out of 7 days. But the weekend kind of fell apart as far as eating went. I went to 2 birthday parties that weekend and I ate cake (a lot of cake) at each. When I weighed in Monday morning I was at 172. So, I gained 3 lbs back but was still at a net loss of .5lbs. Week 3 went pretty much the same, I did really well during the week, and worked out M-Th. Then the weekend came and I binged. I ate pizza (multiple times) and donuts, and drank beer. And I didn’t work out at all. It didn’t help that it was memorial day weekend so I had an extra day at home. I ended up weighing in at 173. So, overall I gained .5lbs. I did take body measurements at the beginning but haven’t taken them since. I wouldn’t be surprised if I did lose a small amount because of the added workouts.

I’ve discovered that I do really well as long as I have a schedule and a plan to follow, as well as a fridge stocked with all the stuff I need. Weekends are really tough because I am usually out and about, eating on the run, and not following my routine. I also can’t go to the gym on the weekends. I don’t mind the DVDs for working out but I really have a difficult time motivating myself to workout at home. Plus, my living room is really small and it feels awkward doing some of the moves in that small space.

Since my 3 week program officially ended, I’ve still be trying to follow the eating. I have been mostly following it but haven’t been actually writing out a schedule and tracking to make sure I get the right balance. I also have been on a super tight budget and have been trying to do the best I can with what I have in the fridge. I also drank beer and ate pizza again both weekends. I haven’t been to the gym. Last week I was having really bad back pain and wanted to take some time off, I was worried that I may have overdone it during the 3 weeks of such intense workouts. This week I hoped to get back at least a couple times but it’s not looking like that’s going to happen. A million and one things have come up, Boo Boo has an appointment this afternoon for an evaluation (part of his IEP process,) he starts a new soccer team on Wednesday, and I his 5th birthday party is this weekend (new posts coming soon about how he is turning 5 and I am total shock and can’t believe we are about to start getting ready for kindergarten.)

Yesterday morning I actually weighed in at 170.5! So, not too bad. But I need to kick my butt into gear. I wanted to be down to 160 by the end of June. I don’t know if I can make that now but I’m going to try for July 15. I’m going grocery shopping over the weekend and stocking up on everything I need to start round 2 of the 21 day fix next week (June 16.) If I follow the plan for 3 weeks (for real, no cheating, no beer, no pizza) I think 160 could be a reality by the end of my 3 weeks. Expect regular progress reports, I think forcing myself to write out my successes (and weaknesses) will help keep me accountable.

I will also be posting my “before” pictures, weight, and measurements for all the world to see 🙂